What comes first, is it what we see? Or how we see it?We become a part of our surroundings when we stop looking what is before us. Spending hours without conscious connection we swim in our everydayness; a state of thought and action removed from the aliveness of life.In this state do we see exquisite beauty? For these things which act as function for the ordinary are synonymous to the essentiality of our lives. Concealed as the mundane. However things are distinguishable and change constantly in their subtlety, being weathered, unwatched and unmeasured. It takes a fascination that is dependent upon the light and time of day and ones ownself.But we become robots set on automatic, out of a necessity and need, and in this role do we become content? Does it matter if we enjoy it or not? Escaping the pressures and responsibilities of all things, their levels of importance and value diminish.Then out of some hunger, desire and need, we fill our lives with concerns outside of us, but have always been in front of our eyes. A false illusion exists as we think of us as lonely, which withdraws suffering from the states we enter into. Often concluding we are not good enough, or that expectations of our lives are unobtainable.Rather than being alone; a world of silence.However in the disconnection of a world (work, ) by none of own choosing, is their social status quickly reduced? Through the loss of employment a further aftermath slowly unravels itself on many levels forcing one to adapt ways and becoming insignificant, becoming desiccated.People assume you need others to make an individual happy, needless, loneliness is felt and may be a constant in our lives.But it’s the same side of the coin to be lonely, we are separated from interaction and connection, to be disconnected from the self and unable to dissociate certain feelings and emotions with situations.Have you ever wondered the magnitude of nothingness? With all importance of the self and worth disregarded? Enter a detached coldness, of an emotional numbness, which seeks routes for alternatives to try and feel something.Do we become restricted without companionship and is that we view really colourful? However we see the colourless, black and white.We are humans, there’s only so much you can take individually before we break, we fracture and enter a void. All the while the complexity of life breeds and multiplies tangible distinctions.To fall into this self-pity and worthlessness we pass into decrepitude; to compare ourselves to others and gaining some form of incapability to function in a base level of ‘normality’, do we realise of its meaningless, and how all consequence is a contradiction of significance.We have all felt and experienced love and sometimes we flourish together or individually, but conditioned, that love dies.We expect too much of people, sometimes we find ways to fill our absence which lingers.How we see it or what we see is a reflection of our mind.Have you ever wondered the magnitude of nothingness? With all importance of the self and worth disregarded? Enter a detached coldness, of an emotional numbness, which seeks routes for alternatives to try and feel something.To fall into this self-pity and worthlessness we pass into decrepitude, only to compare ourselves toThe consequence is a contradiction of significance.We disconnect from everything.If you cannot see what you see or how you see it, entering this abyss is inescapable.
Back then I was desperate rock bottom found myself almost homeless losing my home after a job I loved through my mental health.I found me accessing various services such as alcohol support I can’t remember their name it wasn’t because I enoyed or wanted a drink it was to numb many things block out crap I couldn’t handle it was a way of finding company being around strangers felt safer than in my lonely room .Engage and leeds mind where great having two support workers .I did volunteering which gave me a sense of direction a baisis for stability routine I have stopped doing most things now but give a little time to one charity I am passionate about a music charity.
Life’s always fractured I dream of so much alot will never be achieved due to the way I’ve being ostrised, looked down upon.I couldn’t handle that pressure those responbilibilities that came with it I was self harming those intensities kept growing subtle bullying I faced daily in other areas of my life.in which my health has suffered appallingly.
Not only am I type one diabetetic but bipolar type 2 plus traits of borderline personality disorder as well as learning disabilities which employers never understood I was always criticised for the enage Ives and the positive impact impact had on cm panes and people was never acknowledged. Sometimes it has been temporary, fleeting other occasions lurking silently gathering amongst the shadows of the mind.
Over the years one has tried to normalize it yet still unable to rationalize it truly. Its bulk of body cannot be seen the weight it holds becomes something of an enduring invisible feature remaining Hidden sadly trying to heave you down. Living with type one diabetes and depression which I am certain they feed upon one another.
Depression imparts a life to loneliness. The depression has got so severe, I have tried to end it my lifethis is not seeking sympathy, life can be beautiful even if you’re incapable to perceive precisely what it is.
Friendships do deplete sometimes they just seem extremely problematic to work at. It is this support that aids us. It is effortless to feel rejected Human behaviour dictates that we all need connections. We relate to one another with various universal interests as well as beliefs. Developing friends represent an art all of its own.Depression provides a distorted sense of hopelessness and worthlessness, intensifying that loneliness felt.
Experience has demonstrated that to be withdrawn is extremely easier than to believe and fight for what you desire.I am missing in people’s lifes but that okay .
Those things one was passionate about sometimes leaving feelings anger and bitter, full of resentment to nobody in particular but the self. That false thinking tells one of unworthiness of what others have?
Throughout my mid-20s I had been ceaselessly on various medications over time realizing pills are just not that only answer becoming just another cocktail with numerous side effects the sole comfort they offer you a period of some mild basic stability even if you are barely skilled to function daily.I live with depression hindered by swimming feelings throughout your body and mind. Due to negative cycles of broken thought.
The world changes the chance for exploration of the world is right in front of your eyes; you’re independent of it yet connected. I fritter away time. Observing what is underfoot or above at some architecture that has gone unseen.
Physically unable to scrape that loneliness away. You cannot stroke it hold it; it is not a tangible thing having fallen therefore almost consuming your every being.
The previous ten years remaining car wreckage in which the body and mind are slowly trying to recover from. Loss of a house, a salaried job that I loved in one which I was discriminated against I possess a degree I receive some education I am unemployed for the equivalent amount of time due to mental health issues does not helpaqYou find your social networks shrink you feel a rejected some of the prejudice towards you inflicting some form of pessimism spat out with self-doubt.
Emotions change yet dependent upon what we are Feeling, thinking.
It is this negative self-thinking which needs to be changed, cognitive behaviour therapy has been the only thing offered when that form of therapy has never worked for me.yet I’ve found out your environment can have detrimental effects upon you.how people’s controlling oppressive ways drain you in which your totally cut off from society sometimes to be made delta worthless as your not allowed friends or visitors around.this ebbs away your own mentality your confidence surety which impacts your potential relationships as women think your married and have kids which has never happened but the future is wonderful and the present is phenomenal depute my diy challanges.
Time was spent in court years ago due to my dad getting killed which ultimately identifies me getting placed in a mental health unit.I was a mess,suicidal oh yes .
I exist on benefits I am not living ,just exiaiting thinking progress I made you gradually discover who your genuine friends are whilst others fall by the wayside I know with all I come with people companies don’t want to give a chance to a person like me. yet relationships work both ways. It is, furthermore, a sense of lacking connectedness to others.Loneliness not only impacts a person’s mental health but also the physical self.
The solitary thing learnt is I nevertheless possess a reasonably decent amount of resilience i have skills to offer that go unused.Loneliness is misshapen outstanding to the present situation declared yourself in, which was also meant to represent a temporary chapter of your life but living where I am it’s become a perminance. You become some unusual variation of yourself.
Your name no longer matters because you recognize some people will be experiencing similar things yet we all respond differently.
Your name does not establish you and it is your actions that do, in sailing these mental seas there are ways to adapt and accomplish little positive things can take huge amounts of energy concentration unfortunately.
Everybody possesses a vision, goal I am hanging onto mine it’s the sole thing that remains me going and my music collection nit a hobby but music is my passion.
Almost remaining a child again without adult responsibilities except making sure you provide the current roof over your head.
Living in a shared house still an unfamiliar area in the middle of nowhere out of desperation, it was either taking that room or end up on the street I maintain no connections there/here, no friends near your constantly without company.
You’re isolated a shared house has had over 40/50 housemates in those ten years bonds can’t be made; you had/display nothing in common.
This feeling of loneliness, it also emphasizes we do need to feel connected and that shared experiences are valued.
The more this feeling Of loneliness intensifies these Negative feelings multiply and breed creating extra emotional weight the coping mechanisms are to play with Sharpe instruments. Silently self-harming.
There are opportunities to connect with others, yet life is deprived of an intimacy of some sort.
Loneliness would perceive me at times trying to confront this by thoroughly going to a gig regardless of what type of music the bands would be playing. At intervals, you would enter a conversation with casual strangers or you just felt safe around others.
In the present circumstances, my anxiety is attaining monumental proportions to the point my doctor put me on pills. It renders nothing been harsh upon you.
Accepting myself, faults/flaws, etc., a little self-love and compassion could be used, you cannot live on what you have done in the past already happened the future has been unwritten.
Loneliness has come with other underlying problems in which have recognized myself becoming more obsessive/materialistic through a form of escapism filling up the room I rent the music and canvas and projects I start but am incapable to finish an empty void we are incapable to fill.
Anxiety plagues me especially through the night with nightmares, I possess an addictive personality and sometimes I discover myself self-medicating more than usual at certain points of the year. The anxiety delivers me terribly.
Little unimportant things get blown out of proportion. You’re left in a swamp of emotional turmoil.
Last year I completely disconnected from the internet, remaining a minimal presence on all social media which resulted in a solo art exhibition at inkwell arts.
A period of time I felt contented in my own company. Inkwell arts were a positive organisation.
I started volunteering after I graduated from university. I retained no job nevertheless do not yet having plenty of time on my hands and 20 years’ experience of facilitation I wanted to do something positive, inspiring others, I have developed friends there, I have identified people who came to the classes gone on to explore art at university yet august just gone I started getting really unwell so decided to consider a bit of a long sabbatical. I do miss my volunteering but I did do a fair bit for various organisations all at once.i am incompetent to handle the pressure and responsibilities that come with it at the moment.the room I am in have being for a decade causes me health issues in a basement the mould grows the damp creeps seeps through the walls ruining the few things I have had clothes binned,books the same.dvds gone to charity as my laptop is fucked and old so my escapism has slightly being denied. My cd collection being sold off for travel fares.my art takes forever to dry.
I struggle with travel and have to do alot of it through all those anxities some times panic attacks it’s worth it as i get to see my girlfriend spend time with her plus I am finding my confidence grows ,I’m a totally different person stronger ,still have daily issues but I’m not afraid nor scared here but I know when I go back to my room I resort to my old self which isn’t good at all .
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